I was wandering around Skadar city in Albania without any aim or purpose.
Strolling around the old town I was watching the people and admired the buildings until I heard a wonderful tune. By following the ever-growing melody I ended up in front of a church in a hidden, narrow street. The church choir hold its Sunday rehearsal.
I really would have liked to get in, but my naked shoulders didn’t allow me to, so just lumped down on the opposite roadside and watched them from afar.
But then the always moving people continuously let me loose from my contemplation, so I got a little bit closer and leaned against the doorframe.
After the priest watched me for a while, he came to me and invited me in. I was abashed a little bit because everybody was wrapped from head to toe, not like me, swinging in while wearing a short and a top.
I’m not religious, but it didn’t seem really polite. Due to the kind smiles of the priest and the members of the choir, I finally sat down on a bench at the very back and listened to the beautiful performance.
And then while I was listening to the intoxicating music, it just happened. The thing that I was waiting for since I left Hungary a couple of weeks ago.
Teardrops rolled silently down my face leaving a wet trail behind them.
Oh my gosh, as if it hadn’t been enough that I slightly wore a few pieces of linen, then I more turned on the waterworks – that puts the lid on it!
I tried to mask it and concentrated so hard to stop them, but I failed. So I just gave it up and let all of my teardrops fall.
In the meantime, a lot of feelings flooded me, but finally, I was overwhelmed by only one:
I felt safe.
I’m still not religious and ain’t gonna go to church every Sunday, but there at this church, while I was sitting on the bench, a lot of things became clear. I don’t know whether all of it was due to the fact that everything was so relaxing or the beautiful singing impressed me that much, but some things became very clear at once.
I didn’t let myself live in the present, instead, I stuck to moments that made me feel safe or happy, but I didn’t let any space for new memories. And I’m sure, I’m not the only one like that. Actually, I know a bunch of people who struggle with the same.
I can understand, even more, I can relate pretty well. Owning a memory that makes you feel living in an incredible state is more than prodigious, and it is cool and alright.
But trying to live amongst them and build up your present only on the basis of them is a huge mistake, and it will destroy you. Sooner or later, but it will.
I think it can be a kind of fear of leaving the comfort zone.
I was aware of my insistence and tried to leave it behind, but I couldn’t. And a lot of pain came with these moments whilst I tried to find that feeling again.
And then, in the church, there was the time to let them go.
For sure it is not this easy. If it was, I would have already done it. But one thing has just changed and it is the fact, that now I know the reason why I stuck to them: I was looking for the feeling of unconditional trust and total security because I did not find them in myself. I was looking for the peace in me and the happiness in the present but didn’t let them happen, until I found a moment that was stronger than every other before.
I don’t really know why this moment was that moment, but it definitely was. And finally, all of those moments ran through my mind to find their perfect place, somewhere hidden.
So if you find a perfect moment, just keep it.
Let it belong to another person, a place or even just a moment of your everyday life when you have the best pumpkin coffee, keep those moments.
Really keep them and take them out from the pocket when you are living your down side or when you feel you need them.
But don’t want to repeat them. Don’t want to live through them again. Because you can’t. It won’t be the same. It can be worse or better, but never the same.